I am smart. I am sometimes even elegant. I have done some interesting things in my small way. I’m also spunky and snarky and fun. Given my level of experience, I have an excellent research background. I’ve been very well trained by very smart people in critical inquiry and worker-bee discipline. I get worked-up and combative quite easily, in a sometimes annoying but on the whole endearing way. I have a pretty broad world view, but I’m humble before the expanse of what I don’t know. I’m kind to my friends, and deeply loyal. I generally know what I think and I’m not afraid to say it, but I’m also willing to do the long, slow, difficult thinking that makes strong opinions productive. I’m really, really good at kicking a shoddy argument to shreds. I laugh easily and have a tremendous appreciation for irony. I speak confidently and clearly in public situations, but have also learned the immense value of listening. I’m great at synthesizing multiple threads of a debate and creating something new out of them. I don’t mind sludgy grunt-work as long as it’s leading to something beautiful. And there’s nothing I love so much as a great big intellectual challenge.
Sure, I have my weaknesses, loads of them, even. But for the most part, I’m pretty awesome.
So why the fuck can’t I convey that in a goddamned 2-3 page statement of purpose?
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October 27, 2007 at 6:30 pm
adjunct whore
this is great. i love it. somehow i feel certain you will find a way.
October 27, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Hilaire
Yeah, I agree with AW.
But I think the provisional non-finding of a way sometimes speaks to a hesitancy to commit, to write a project into existence in a way that you fear will fix you – in any number of ways. ?
October 27, 2007 at 7:57 pm
Dorabella
If you happen to figure it out, please do pass on the secret.
Hilaire is right, at least partially, at least for me. Commitment issues–projects, identity, whatever. Not to mention that, as long as nothing is produced, but only idealized, one cannot be judged (read: rejected) for it. But that last thing’s a procrastination issue, which is somewhat distinct from what you’re talking about here.
October 27, 2007 at 8:19 pm
Neophyte
Hilaire, run that by me again? I’m not sure what you mean.
Dorabella — hi! Welcome!
See, my problem is — or maybe now “was,” as I think I may’ve fixed it — that I am producing stuff, and it’s good and clear and concise, but Jesus, Mary and a bottle of Jack is it bland as all fucking get out. I want to be impressive, but I also want to be me. And that is almost impossible to accomplish in this kind of venue.
October 28, 2007 at 3:02 am
adjunct whore
i really like your new digs…i’ve been contemplating a move myself. and this looks hot.
October 28, 2007 at 3:02 pm
Nabil
hey, new site! I started out at wordpress myself, actually.
Yes, the statement of purpose is a nightmare. I agree that what Hilaire said is insightful. Personally, though, what I found difficult about the whole thing was targeting the expectations of the reader – what are they? I mean to some extent already being in a program makes this much easier, since you’re in the environment. But still – there’s such a broad array of perspectives out there, and there are so many fault-lines and petty disagreements…even if you have a vague sense of what the departments/professors approve of and what they sneer at, how can you really be sure? And, much more importantly, how can you navigate their tastes while standing firmly by your own interests and approach?
Then there’s the more corrosive self-doubt, where you imagine the intellectual abilities of those in the program – if not those of the students, then those of the professors – and where you would rank. When it comes down to it, I felt like I had nothing but imagination to guide me on that one. You try to look confident, but you don’t want to sound full of yourself. Humility is a prime intellectual virtue – so how do you talk yourself up while displaying awareness of that? Although, frankly, I don’t know how many people do more than pay lip service to humility.
October 28, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Belle
Oh yeah, do I get the whole ‘love me’ vibe and angst re: SOP. And then there’s the whole problem of looking too good. My advisors counseled me to crank back on my wonderfulness, so that I wouldn’t overwhelm the committees. Which I did in that I have no calibration of overcompensation for insecurity.
If that makes sense.